Rabbi's Message

Gay marriage

A disclaimer: The following is an explanation of my opinion and position on same-sex marriages and the full inclusion of gays and lesbians in our community. It does not represent the position of the congregation, nor is it necessary for anyone to agree with me in order to be welcomed as a full and valued member of this community. In fact, I am so appreciative of those individuals who have chosen to talk to me about this and other issues on which we disagree. I see them as models of sacred discourse. Judaism, since the destruction of the second temple almost 2000 years ago, has been a practice of sacred discourse. We seek to understand, define, figure out and reflect holiness in the world. The Talmud is all about discourse and disagreement. Of course, as an opinion holder, I would like others to agree with me - but I don't see disagreement or conflict as inherently bad - in fact, if done well, it is inherently holy and Jewish.

I have always believed that the future of Judaism and the Jewish people would depend on our ability to reach out to, integrate and learn from those most marginalized in our communities.

So why talk about gay marriage? A number of things have happened in recent months to warrant some discussion. First, many congregants recently learned - some for the first time - that I perform same-sex Jewish weddings and they have questions, concerns and disagreements with me about it. Secondly, the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court determined recently that nothing in the Massachusetts Constitution prevents two individuals of the same sex from obtaining a marriage license and being legally married in the Commonwealth. And thirdly, we have become more explicit in our welcoming of gays and lesbians and their families into this community. And finally, we have a number of members, gay and straight, who care about this issue and who would like to see this synagogue as a place that welcomes all Jewish families equally and without regard to sexual orientation.

Some background: Since 1984, the Reconstructionist Rabbinical College has been accepting and ordaining as rabbis gay and lesbian Jews. Many have gone on to serve congregations across the movement ably and well. In 1993, the Reconstructionist movement adopted the conclusions of a commission established to study the issue of homosexuality in Judaism. Those conclusions called for the welcoming of gays and lesbians as full members of our communities and allowed for rabbis to perform rituals and rites of passage for same-sex couples, including wedding ceremonies.

That commission report was the result of a three-year study that brought together rabbis, scholars, congregational leaders, gay and straight Jews to study traditional Jewish sources, contemporary findings from the fields of medicine and social sciences and contemporary Jewish sources. Their discussions focused most heavily on clarifications of values. This report was one of the many reasons why I chose to attend RRC and become a Reconstructionist rabbi.

I believe that the more we ignore those on the margins, the more we are likely to stunt any creativity and possibility of renewal of Jewish life and meaning.

My position: For reasons that even I am not fully aware, I have always believed that the future of Judaism and the Jewish people would depend on our ability to reach out to, integrate and learn from those most marginalized in our communities. I believe that the more we ignore those on the margins, the more we are likely to stunt any creativity and possibility of renewal of Jewish life and meaning. Recent decades have born out this idea as we reap the benefits of greater inclusion of women and women's input into all areas of Jewish life. The same can and will be said about the inclusion of intermarried Jews, non-middle class Jews, single Jews, disabled Jews and gay and lesbian Jews.

So what does inclusion mean?

The Reconstructionist report found that the values that "affirm the inherent dignity, integrity, and equality of human beings" have "primacy over the historically conditioned attitudes based on biblical, rabbinic and medieval texts that condemn homosexuality as an abomination." Sexuality, the report stated, is an inherent characteristic of all human beings. And all people, created in the divine image, deserve dignity, integrity and equality regardless of sexual orientation.

Given that Jewish tradition places a high value on forming relationships and connections to other human beings - through community, family, intimate loving relationships and marriage, it seemed only logical to the authors of the report (and to me) that gay and lesbian Jews should be encouraged to form stable family units and that supporting and strengthening those families would, in turn, strengthen the fabric of Jewish communal life.

Unlike some other religious traditions, Judaism has never understood marriage and sexuality to be only about procreation. Sexual fulfillment, physical pleasure and loving partnership represent some of the ideals of Jewish marriage, with or without children. These relationships are sanctified, marked as holy through the blessings of kedusha - the Jewish wedding ceremony.

Recognizing that same-sex couples have the same potential for embodying these qualities as heterosexual couples, the Reconstructionist movement affirmed that kedusha resides in committed relationships between same-sex Jews and urged the development of same-sex marriage ceremonies and the performance of these marriages by our movement's rabbis.

Hence I, and many other Reconstructionist rabbis, proudly and joyfully celebrate and officiate at the religious weddings of same-sex congregants.

Legal issues: "But it's not legal!" you might say. Sure it is. In this country, where we are guaranteed the free exercise of religion and conscience, religious communities can and do perform rituals and rights that they believe in without interference. In the eyes of a Jewish community that follows the principals outlined above, any same-sex couple that chose to have a Jewish wedding ceremony - ketubah, chuppah and all - would be married and afforded the privileges and obligations incumbent upon all married couples in that community.

What they are not is legally married in the eyes of the state or the country. This means that they do not have access to the benefits of marriage provided by civil society - health care, inheritance rights, child custody and all the other rights that come with being married in this country. That is the inequality the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court attempted to address in its recent ruling and the focus of legislation winding its way through Beacon Hill. I personally welcome the court's ruling and, as a citizen of this state, will do my part to ensure the decision is implemented quickly and fairly. I look forward to the day when I can sign both a Ketubah and a marriage license for a same-sex couple just as I currently do for a heterosexual couple. But regardless of the outcome of the legal process, the ability of religious institutions and communities to celebrate or not celebrate gay partnerships will be unaffected. Catholic priests, conservative rabbis and others who refuse to perform same-sex weddings will still be able to refuse. Reconstructionist, and reform rabbis, Unitarian and liberal Christian ministers who do perform same-sex weddings will continue.

The religious rites of marriage and their accessibility to same-sex couples are a matter of conscience. I have tried to share with you my thinking and my conscience. My decision to perform same-sex weddings is mine and mine alone. The decision to celebrate them or not, attend them or not, support them or not is yours.

As Jacob wrestled with the angle and became Yisrael - One who wrestles with God - let us wrestle in respect, love and holy discourse.

— Rabbi Elyse

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